Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Day 3

Today is day 3 of Lash’s first week of preschool and I have to tell you I have felt emotions I am not used to when it comes to my kids. I mentioned a few posts ago about the new found sentimentality but along with that came insecurity, anxiety, and guilt. I had no idea what an emotional shit storm school would bring (and this is just preschool for one of my children). I have spent so much time looking forward to school as some type of escape and the path back to my freedom as a person that I didn’t know it would feel more like depression than liberation. Lash, the intelligent little adventurer that he is, was so excited on the first day. I dropped him off with the other sour faced children then proceeded to bust a tear or two in the front office on my way out (don’t worry, he was not within view of his blubbering mother). It’s not like I wasn’t happy, I was nervous for him and sad that such a huge part of my life is coming to an end. Though he only goes 3 days a week I know this is just the beginning of chaotic days and activities without mommy. Since the boys turned 2 and 3 it has been so overwhelming that I almost couldn’t deal and just wished for more me time and to be doing something MORE with my life. Watching that little dude leave me for the day snapped something and made me realize I have been doing something MORE.

As people we are so programmed to believe that only high paying respectable jobs are honorable accomplishments. Don’t get me wrong, these are important and have helped our society to stave off  the upcoming entitlement generation. It makes people strive and work but, what happens when you step out of the race to raise a family? For me, the first year was fun and being that I was pregnant with Remy during  most of Lash’s first year it was also a blessing. As the years have worn on, I have started to feel brain dead and worthless. Like I wasn’t giving back and I was losing myself in the monotony of child rearing. I watched my mother go through the same thing at a young age and I finally understood why she tried so hard to get out there and reclaim herself.

Watching my oldest son go to school was rough but it was last night I had my Aha! moment. I realized that my self worth is still intact because I am creating PEOPLE. I have been blessed with the ability to be here day in and day out for the formative years of my children’s life. I have been able to educate and show them things that working full time may not have allowed (don’t get yo panties in a bunch working moms, we’re all doing well in our own damn ways). Though I haven’t brought home a paycheck in almost 4 years I have done a job most would not enjoy. I have done it well too. By no means am I done, it’s only preschool after all, but I am shaking off that feeling of uselessness that was starting to swallow me. As I watch my son take on school like it’s nothing I can see what being home has done for me and my family. As their days become filled and mine empty I do hope to do something part time (what that may be is a topic all it’s own) but instead of wishing to be doing something more I now hope to just be able to do what I have been doing. I am fine with being a SAHM and I’m not going to be hatin on it anymore.

It’s only the 3rd day and soon he won’t be so excited but on this 3rd day I feel good about my boys and myself as a mom. I fuckin rock the mom thing like it’s no one’s business and my paycheck is not only what I receive but also what I am giving back to the world. My boys will be happy well adjusted adults. I am doing the job of giving the world something it is starting to lack, motivated and decent humans (fingers crossed because no matter what parents do kids can go either way).  Preschool has awakened more than sentimentality, it has given me purpose and direction (as well as some much needed break time). You’re never too old to learn and at 32 the lessons just keep on coming.

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