Is This How School Should Be?

This post has been sitting in my drafts since 2022. Thought it was worth the post today as education seems to still be stunted under Mrs. McMahon and Randy Weingarten. Enjoy!

There are many things being diagnosed within our failing school system. Low pay for teachers, over inundated classrooms, poor student achievement, bullying, technology. The list goes on and on. What isn't being discussed is the lack of will to educate. Due to the many issues we all feel we need to focus on and the many teacher walk outs or protests the thing getting lost is the actual children. We discuss the children as if they're not in the room while ALL of them are most literally in the room. As a parent with a child who is experiencing emerging behavior issues I can say that all of the "issues" being discussed have done nothing to assist my actual child. Each meeting we have that seems to place all of the blame on him and our family while ending with a reiteration of how many other students must be serviced over our struggling child lead me to think the "issues" are leading to something far more detrimental. In constantly discussing how put upon the adults in the system are and how no one is paid their true worth there are children without a diagnosable issue being thrown into the cracks because no one could possibly have the time nor patience to help. But there is plenty of time to tell my family how under paid and short staffed the school is.

My son is an awesome human. My husband and I enjoy him thoroughly. He is 12 and currently experiencing that sensation many children experience where he'd like nothing more than to challenge authority. Test everyone who dares to tell him what to do. My husband and I don't spend all of our time centering on each wayward thing he says nor do we assume every action is his downward spiral to an adulthood of thievery and devastation. We do not allow him to be disrespectful but when he is told to do something and mumbles under his breath that he "hates this place" or the task is "stupid ass shit" we don't stop to make a deal of his mumbled words. We simply remind him of what he needs to do and move on. I understand that he'd like nothing more than a reaction so I choose my battles. His school cannot say the same. Though he has had 1 or 2 teachers since beginning middle school that seem to be able to work with him there are several that somehow have found him to be completely uncontrollable. In their intense need to advise us of how bad our child is and how he is absolutely ruining it for every other child in his class they have lead myself to believe my son is hopeless. Though I don't feel this way when he is with me I am lead to feel this way each day the same teachers kick him out of class for one infraction or another. Since many of his more extreme behaviors are displayed at the school (and it was this middle school only) I have a hard time not placing some of the problem solving onus on the school. However, when I make the mistake of asking about the teacher's behavior management techniques or what is done when he gets into an argument I am met with combative denial. As I have said before I am also constantly reminded of how put upon the teacher's and staff are and how my child is robbing his classmates of their education. Never do I truly feel as if my child matters. I believe he is picking up on this as well. The issue here is as a parent I don't want to hear about the trials and tribulations of a public servant that has chosen their profession with full knowledge it came with lower pay than deserved, benefits it would take A LOT of time and patience to earn and situations that would be less than ideal to work in. Now I know this sentence could start quite the fire among the educators of the nation but just hear me out.

Prior to motherhood & running our family business I was a 5th grade teacher. I originally wanted to attend college to be a creative writer but, a very effective college counselor advised me that being a writer didn't entail college unless I was going into a field such as journalism or textbook writing. He advised I find a degree that could pay the bills while I pursued my writing passion. After discussing degrees with this wise man and discussing my goals we landed on education. I wanted to do something that made a difference. I had no passion to be a doctor nor the stomach to handle what the medical profession entailed. Teaching felt right. He encouraged me to take the first course and see what I thought. After doing so I knew that was where I needed to be. I locked in and went for it. I took classes on how to teach the basic subjects, create exams and grading rubrics, write lesson plans, behavior management and psychology. As I got deeper we began our on site interactions and through those I found my appropriate age group as well. Many teachers find themselves in bad situations because their personality or expectations do not match that of their chosen age group. As I went through my courses I had several great professors who not only prepared us for the tasks of the job but the reality of it. We were told we would never be rich teaching. That if we wanted to be wealthy or even paid reasonably we should either pursue other careers or marry well. We were told that parents had changed and the supportive systems we remembered were very rarely in place if at all. We were advised that class sizes were growing with no relief in site. None of the issues found on those picket signs were a surprise to me. I cannot speak for everyone else though. During my student teaching I had a glimpse of some of the issues no one was discussing nor writing about on signs. I witnessed children who did not conform for whatever reason or who displayed their emotions in a disruptive and inappropriate manner be labeled "a problem" or "always in trouble". One such child was in the 5th grade class I spent all of my student teaching in. He was a hard case for sure. He was highly disruptive even somewhat violent at times. He was a small child with a hard look. The teacher I worked with was a white Mormon woman in the middle of a divorce with 2 children at home. To say she was interested in dealing with this child would be an overstatement. I believe she advised me some children "just can't be saved". I didn't see this. I saw a young boy with little to no coping skills and a huge chip on his shoulder which was being enlarged through improper handling at school and probably at home. I gravitated toward this child though he showed little interest in me. I don't remember how it happened but slowly he let me in. He told me how his mom worked all of the time and he stayed home with his teenage brother who was also in a gang. The gang members would often hang out at the child's apartment and he was treated as a tiny mascot. The older boys were rough with him and out of necessity he grew a hard layer over what may have been a normal child's behavior. He told me how the teacher I worked under could never understand him and that he was often sent out of the room for his infractions. The child felt no connection to the school or his home. He loved his mother but she was stuck too. She was a single parent doing her best. Once I showed genuine interest in this child I was able to deal with him during some of the times he decided to be disruptive or inappropriate. My lead teacher would assign me to him during assignments she thought might set him off or allow me to step outside with him when he acted up instead of simply sending him to the office to be dealt with. I'd like to say this boy completely changed that year but as they do the school year ended and I went on to finish up my credits and graduate, As fate would have it the teacher I was student teaching under took a new job and I was happily hired to replace her at the school I had student taught at. 

    I thought about that boy often and would refer to him when we discussed behavior management and child psychology. I was not aware of the difference I had made until I began my first year of teaching my own 5th grade class in the same classroom I had met the young boy. At the end of one day I was saying goodbye to my current students at the door as I always did and realized the boy was waiting outside my door. I invited him in and as he carefully walked around the room asking about the changes I had made and making polite conversation. I realized in that moment I had made an impact. After that initial visit that boy came to my class every day after school for several weeks. Sometimes I would have him help me with stuff sometimes he would just wander around quietly while I worked. No matter what the time entailed I allowed him to drive the narrative. Through being genuine and showing concern this child felt wanted for the short period of time I had with him. Though he stopped coming at some point the fact he came back at all was powerful. This child and I did not share the same background. We had very little in common but somehow he saw me as a safe place. This is what is missing. Teachers willing to go over and above. They're over inundated and underappreciated but in the end the children are the ones paying for it. It's the adults who must accept their lot in life and either do their job to and PAST its fullest or find other employment. If they're worried about their pensions then assume work in other areas of the state. Hold signs for road work or fix sidewalks. Work in the lunch room for fucks sake. Don't stick it out at a job that has such a profound effect on other human beings. Human beings that do not have the tools yet to understand that their demands are too much for you. And definitely stop taking out your frustrations with the parents or administrators on these children. They're not asking for any of this. We as adults know full well what we're getting into but children are simply moved about like pawns. If I have to watch one more teacher complain about pay from a system their state government broke while a child sits at home losing any hope of pay for themselves someday I think I'll scream. 

    Teachers are worth their weight in gold. They should all be millionaires but that isn't going to happen. So what is the answer? Spend the little money you have to make a sign and refuse to work until the union's demands are met (let's face it folks teachers are not running shit)? Or should you hike up your boots and hit up the community at large for help? Spend that sign making/picketing time creating a few more effective fundraisers (sorry, bake sales are just not it anymore). Extend your reach beyond your district and start hooking up with other state's districts to brainstorm solutions. Maybe a state to state sharing system to ensure all schools have supplies? Take that brain power you waste thinking of all of the things you're not getting and find ways to get the kids the things they need. Would it be at all possible to begin teacher sharing using technology? Have international cohorts where teachers trade classes for a day with each other from other nations. Find our weak spots and see if we can enlist places who excel in them to help. The saying "it takes a village" doesn't only go for child rearing. It applies to educating. Right now the village is full of idiots and they're turning a very beautiful thing like free education for ALL into a grievance fest that ends in political demands our children will never benefit from. 

    I have one definite money saver. STOP buying these boxed programs from the text book dealers. Stop buying software that promises to analyze the child and set the curriculum for you all in one place (I am looking at you Accelerated Reader and your newer homey Iready). Maybe put that boxed education money into teacher pay and training so they can get back to creating their own lesson plans based on agreed upon standards. Start creating lessons that apply to this Google generation of kids who have too much information at their finger tips. You're sitting there obsessing over the writing process while the child needs to know how to safely and effectively search the internet for information because the way we used to obtain information does not apply and will apply less after we are gone. Comprehension and critical thinking are no longer bound by books, it needs to be applied to their actual daily lives. Those lives are online. I heard or read somewhere to raise your child for the world they'll inherit not the world you knew. This applies in spades today. I was of the generation that straddled the no internet/internet time. I was there before AOL or Instagram. When home computers were a luxury of the very rich. I had a pager in high school for goodness sake. My kids on the other hand can fact check me as I am lecturing them. This is what needs to be addressed. We need to update our antiquated systems of educating. Meet this generation WHERE THEY ARE not based on what we went through. I believe this power lies in our teachers not the tech companies selling one size fits all "holy grail" programs. Teachers know better how to assess their students & then intervene. Accelerated Reader simply demands so much data each year. Those stickers all over your car are simply supporting the program seller not your child. I would watch my students pick the easiest books so they could get through the tests quickly or select a book not based on want to read but on how many points the system deemed it worth. I don't even want to discuss how we had to use this crap program on 1 computer shared between 35 kids. Between this and the 1 hour & 45 minutes of "Trophies" (we had numerous in-services on using Trophies none of which gave us answers on how to make it effective) we had to get through teaching the kids to read felt impossible. From what I understood a love of reading & a will to do so must be fostered first. Then you move into the mechanics of words. Then into comprehension and so on. What I understood didn't matter though because the school had paid a huge sum to Harcourt for their Trophies program. It HAD to be used. What if that money had been redistributed to pay us more or offer actually helpful TRAINING in-services? What if the school hadn't removed the classroom chapter book packs from the library to replace them with the Trophies textbooks but instead bought us a more diverse selection of said chapter books and then let us do our job creating lessons and projects based on State standards AND student needs?  

WTF Have I Been Doing...

This was a draft I started sometime after April of 2011. Though it is no longer relevant to me and the last 4 years of my life I think it is relevant overall. Since I am trying to ease back into being creative I thought I would use the post below as my Christmas past to ease me into my Christmas present....

Maybe you're wondering where I went. Maybe you could care less and have just stopped visiting. Maybe you dropped out of my followers list. Whatever YOU have been doing I have been busy and was just plain blogged out. After my last post I started to feel like I was wasting time and really saying nothing of interest, so I stopped. I didn't announce the stop as I didn't feel there was anyone to announce it to. I felt it presumptuous to think there was someone out there worried about why I had stopped writing here. Today I remembered that the person I was writing for to begin with was me  and I was missing me and wondering where I had gone.

For the first few months I was busy with family and just had nothing to write about but, as of March I became a working woman again (sort of). My husband started his own business. He finally left the confines of his boss's narrow and ignorant vision to begin his own construction firm. Since then I have been running his office through our home as well as doing the stay at home mom gig. Now, my responsibilities aren't bad and come mostly after the boys go to bed but, just having responsibilities outside of my boys again has been exhilarating. I feel like I am contributing again and I am reminded that the cobwebs were just temporary and my skills are still sharp and not just memories.

My husband, in trying to pay me a compliment, explained that my skills have exceeded his expectations of what I could do. Though he meant it as a boost the comment made me a little sad and nervous. After 4 years out of the work force was this what I would face in the real world? Since Dave is my husband landing this job was a given, but had I had to interview would I have even been able to get my foot in the door or would the assumption that my brain had purged all useful information kept me from any type of career? I had many jobs prior to my husband and children including McDonalds, logistics, customer service, telemarketing, waitressing, teaching, and many more. Having knowledge of my expansive job past AND living with me Dave still wondered what I could handle so what the hell would a complete stranger think of my mommy time out's affect on my abilities to do anything except wipe noses and scrub toilets? I enjoy working again but now fear what will happen when I do decide to re-enter the work force.

How do you prove to someone that you're still relevant and useful after not working for 5 years? I could go back to school and get my Master's but that is an expensive training program which still doesn't ensure someone will hire me. I never really thought about this portion of the stay at home job. Working for Dave will definitely help thank gosh but what about all of the women who don't have a husband to work for as a means of building some current work experience prior to their children's elementary school induced exodus which leaves them with the question of "What now?". There should be a network of some kind for moms like me where they can get help or references to smooth their transition back into the work force (maybe there is, I haven't been researching). I have kept some  my connections within the school district here as best I could just in case. I guess that is a good piece of advice, when you leave keep in touch.

Right now, I am enjoying helping my husband become a success as he deserves. He spent many years building his reputation and has a real shot at being successful in an industry which is suffering greatly right now. In helping him I am gaining my professional equilibrium as well. Soon he will have an office with a hired office person whom I will hand over the reigns to but, for now, it's all me and I am enjoying it. As for what will happen later, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. Maybe I'll just become a kept woman and spend my time volunteering, prettying up my husband's arm, and telling the nanny how to raise my boys. Who knows what the future holds. I would have never thought life would be what it is now and won't even try to guess where it will be next week.

I hope you enjoyed this post even if it was from a while back. I will try to follow up soon with a "WTF Have I Been Doing" sequel to catch up on the time between writing this and now. It may take a few chapters as a lot has happened but now that I have time again I will try to document the stretch. I hope those still reading are well and anyone new returns. Talk soon!

New Year?

Where the hell is the time going? I feel like I am going to wake up one of these days complaining about my hip replacement and rushing the fridge for my Ensure fix. I don’t remember a time in my life when the years went by so fast. In high school it felt like it would never end (in a good and bad way). I think that having kids is a lot like pressing the fast forward button on the remote controlling the movie of life. I spend so much time going from one phase or one first to the next that before I know it my oldest is 7 months away from entering the school system and my youngest isn’t far behind. Where did it all go?
I think it is the constant suspension you live in as a parent. Watching these people I made grow and thrive while fighting against the person they have made me. I have struggled since Remy’s birth with losing my self in the boys and I worry that I have taken for granted the years up until now. I have memories of them as babies but it all feels so rushed. Should I have appreciated more? Should I have worried less about who I was supposed to be after them? Should I have just stopped and enjoyed the sweet smell and stumbling steps along the way?

With this year I am realizing that I struggle less with the stay at home mom I chose to become. Seeing how secure, healthy, smart, and happy my boys are is slowly showing me that my decision to give up the career I worked so hard for was not wasted. I went into teaching to make a difference and found out quickly that with the current climate that was impossible. After staying home with my kids these past 4 years I am realizing that the difference I wanted to make with everyone else’s kids is being made right here in my own home. Everything I wanted to offer strangers I am here to give my own children. In college I always said if I reached just one child it would make it all worth while but, now I am reaching two in a more thorough way than I could have ever achieved in the school system.

My boys have made dreams come true I held long before they were even an idea in my head. I have spent too long worrying about all having them took from me. I should have spent it seeing all they had given me. So what if society defines your self worth based on how much you make and what you achieve. I am achieving more than my past station allowed. Someday they will need me less (if at all) and then I can find out who I was supposed to be but for now, starting with this new year, I am going to enjoy just who I am. A stay at home mom to Lash and Remy. Two little people who make the years go faster but also make them much more rewarding.

Time or circumstances may creep in like a thief and take the ability to make Lash, Remy, and Dave my sole focus. So, since you can’t get it back, from this year forward I will no longer squander this gift of time Dave has worked so hard to give to us. Life isn’t passing me by, it is escorting me into a very bright future.



Happy New Year to anyone still reading. Let’s all remember to love ourselves and live up to our own expectations and forget about those others place on us. You are the only one you have to impress.

Thanksgiving

I know I have not been around much lately and I have many excuses. We went to England in October then it was in and out of San Francisco for a Niner game but mostly, I have been very lazy and uninspired. During my impromptu hiatus I have started but failed to finish at least 5 posts so in an effort to re-engage some of the followers I fought so hard to pull in I will be wading back into the blog pool.
As we all know last week was Thanksgiving. A day of food and family and ours was right on par. My mom and her husband came up from Arizona and my stepchildren made their first solo drive from California to Vegas. My father, brother, and pseudo SIL also joined us. It was a smaller gathering than most but enjoyable none the less. Dave cooked his second Turduken and that shit was great. He made the first one last year but this year he really honed his technique. I don't usually like duck but, when it's layered with turkey, chicken, and stuffing it is awesome. Dinner went well (the eating time is always greatly disproportionate to cook time on Thanksgiving) and I would venture to say everyone had fun. At least I did anyway.

Friday we got the teenagers up at 245am to join the fray that is Black Friday. As readers who've been with me from the beginning may know I fucking HATE Black Friday. People act like crack smoking homeless folk when they hit those doorbuster sales. Everyone is wondering around in loose fitting sleepwear type garments with glazed eyes and slack mouths frantically grabbing up a bunch of useless shit that cost 40 bucks the day before but now in the wee hours of the morning is selling for 18.99. They then stand in 2 hour lines to run up their burgeoning credit card debt. The only reason I consented to another Black Friday outing was my husband's yearning for the 350 dollar red enamel 10 piece Claphalon cookware set that was selling at Kohls for 179.99. Dave always has something he needs come Black Friday. The nice thing is it's usually specific and at one store so we aren't wondering around in the mosh pit of shoppers all day.

After purchasing our new cookware set (which is beautiful and well worth the inconvenience) along with a few other items we ventured to the Target next door to "take a look". What greeted us was a line wrapping around the stupid store which we had no interest in standing in. That was when we made the decision to go home and get back to our original activity, sleep.

Before you say to yourself "Wow, what a tranquil and uneventful holiday Sabreena had. She is quite the lucky lady." be aware there was a trauma. You CANNOT have a four day weekend filled with family and glutenous amounts of food without drama. My mom and her husband brought their very old and very sickly dog with them for the weekend. By Friday afternoon I think the dog had just had it with my kids. My youngest Remy was being chased by his brother and ran over the old bastard who turned around and bit right into Remy's little leg leaving a nasty but non-life threatening puncture wound. I calmed my baby and cleaned him up explaining that the doggy needed to be avoided at all cost. That advice was not to be heeded.

Later that evening Dave and I took my stepchildren out for a little toddler free time. Upon our return home we found a note explaining that the dog had bitten the same child again but this time in the face. I aroused said child from his slumber to find his lip bloodied by what looked like 4 new bites (which looked deceptively worse that night). I did not panic and run to the emergency room which I am glad for because the next day the cuts were smaller and already healing. My mom on the other hand left early and feeling horrible. We closed out the weekend with couch time and a Superman movie marathon.

Now it is five days after the attack and Remy is fine. The puncture wound is struggling to close and his mouth is a little scabby but his condition is nothing compared to what it could have been. However, when asked how his Thanksgiving was Remy pulls at his lower lip and answers "The doggy ate my face". Ahhhh memories.

Bedtime Lockdown

I am about to share with you a part of our bedtime routine which makes some mothers cringe. Now, now, don't let your mind wander because I do not have any cages laying around the house or a Tuff Shed converted into a toddler prison in the backyard. What I do is much more humane and in my experience has been suggested by experts. I lock my children's doors from the outside when they go to sleep at night. That's right, after 730 Lash and Remy lose their household privileges and are forced to stay in their rooms to do the unthinkable. SLEEP.

After you get over the original shock of hearing a mother say she locks her children's doors you may start to wonder about the possible fire hazard. Fear not good people. It's not like I have a padlock on the doors or several chain locks that would be impossible to slide in an emergency. No, we simply turned their knob locks around so the little locking mechanism faces into the hallway. In case of fire or unwanted intruder all we have to do is turn the little thingy and the boys are free!!! I have also discussed this around my firefighter brother in law and he didn't seem to disagree with it and usually he'll speak up about safety no matter what (like when we were installing our car seats without having them checked) so I took his silence as his blessing.

Now that the fire concern is out of the way and you have not decided to stop following the blog of such an evil and sadistic mother allow me to explain why I added locks to our night time routine and what information later vindicated my decision.

If you read my blog back in February you might know that my husband and I went to New Orleans for our annual 7 day kid less vacation. During our break from parenting duties my husband's mom kindly came to Vegas and watched my little dudes. She does a great job and my boys get to stay in their home while we are away allowing them some shred of normalcy without their lifeline, me. Upon our return home all seemed well until I went to bed that night. Around 10 or 11 I woke up suddenly to see a tiny little shadow scurrying around the hallway. This had never happened before because my children have been great sleepers since they were 4 months old. They had both been moved into toddler beds months prior and had never broken the golden rule of "stay". Though I knew the shadow was one of my toddlers it freaked me the fuck out. It was like one of those horror movies where a doll has come alive and is creeping around your house giggling wickedly. I got up and found my oldest Lash in the hallway. He informed me he was on his way to Remy's room for some play time. I sleepily admonished him and put him back in bed threatening bodily harm should he get up again. Though he went back to sleep that night every night after that one or both boys would get up throughout the night. I was perplexed to say the least (and tired as I hadn't had to night wakings since they breast fed).

After like 3 days of that nonsense I interrogated my father who lived with us at the time and he explained that it was something that started on day 2 of us being gone and that he had been the one to constantly put them back to bed because my mother in law is a hard sleeper. He also explained that she didn't address the situation thinking they would sleep sooner or later. She also thought they would sleep in the next day to make up for any lost sleep (which they never did because no matter what time they go to sleep or how many hours they lose at night they are up at the ass crack of dawn). I was worried because though we have a gate at the top of our stairs, my boys being the monkeys that they are, have often tried to climb the gate which leads to a straight drop down the stairs. I pictured being woken up to a broken and crying 2 year old laying lifeless on the stairs in the middle of the night. Not a picture to have in your head before bed at night.



The drop from our gate at the top of our stairs


I discussed the issue with Dave and the solution we came up with to keep Lash and Remy safe from themselves as well as preserve my much needed sleep (you haven't seen a bitch until you've seen me working off of 4 hours of sleep) was to turn their knobs around and lock them in. I know you've moved from fire terror to concern about the mental health of my kids. What would locking them in at night do to their psyche? Would they feel unloved like a dog left at the pound to rot? The answers are they're fine and no. On the first night of "Lock Down: Houston House" I explained to both boys that we would be locking their doors because it wasn't safe for them to wonder the house at night. I let them know that I had monitors for their rooms and would be able to hear them if they needed me but they needed to go to sleep and stay in their bed (or room at least) until morning. They were wary at first but have become totally used to it. Lash locks his door that leads to his Jack and Jill bathroom (a bathroom that goes through to the bedroom next to his). I placed a little potty in his room so he could relieve himself at night if he needs to, so no he isn't being denied bathroom privileges. This has worked well and though the boys still get up when they are first put to bed, they are safe and end up in bed because it is the only option after they have played for a while.

About the information that vindicated this decision. It did not come from those around me because though none of my friends judged me, none of them agreed with me either and all of them admitted they could "never" do that. I was actually vindicated by a professional (all be it one I watched on TV but a pro none the less). I was watching reruns of that show Raising Sextuplets with the sweet blonde, her anger management dropout husband, and their 6 toddlers one day when I came across an episode dealing with getting the sextuplets to stay in their rooms at night. The producers of the show brought in a sleep expert from Parenting magazine who told blondie and her agro boy to do exactly what I had already done. She explained that when children are babies their crib is their safe place at night but once they graduate into a toddler bed their bedroom becomes their crib. She explained that you must safety proof it (which I have totally done in Lash and Remy's rooms) then lock the door so they are in their safe place. Over time they will learn to just go to sleep (which my boys re-learned after a few weeks). Up until that point I was pleased with my results but wondered if I was doing something wrong. Turns out I was doing something right. I was keeping my boys safe even though those around me felt it was a radical and maybe unacceptable idea. Thank god I am a maverick when it comes to motherhood and follow my instincts not magazines and other moms or I may have had that broken toddler thought become reality.

I don't foresee locking them in forever (though when they're 16 we may turn the joint into San Quentin) but for now it seems like more of a safety requirement. Lash can unlock the front door now and Remy isn't far behind on that skill so until they can fully understand the consequences of such actions as well as the importance of sleeping they will keep their locks. And I will keep my sanity.

What about you? Do you think locking them in is a negative thing which will damage them irreparably or have you gotten an idea from this post? What do you do to keep your little creepers in at night?